Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified (at least) 6 stages of the grief and suffering process and whereas I am loathed to apply clinical analysis to such trauma, her stages provide a useful scaffold from which to discuss the reality of the grief of divorce, or indeed of any loss. I have written a short reflection from the book of John on the grief and suffering of our Lord Jesus. As each of our own sufferings can be so different, even if I shared with you my reality, it may still be a far cry from what you are going through.
- Denial and isolation
- Anger/frustration
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
- Hope
If you are not keen on my words, may I use our Lord and his experiences?
My experience, and that of others, I suspect, is that these processes don’t happen in the order given, and there is probably a repeat or two of each stage of suffering. I have loosely applied these principles, my take, on the suffering of our dear Lord Jesus on his approach to the cross from John. In our tear-filled moments of despair, we can turn to Him, because he does understand, and know what it is like. His example offers hope and compassion in the darkness. I hope these thoughts offer some insight for those special people who would seek to help those grieving. Again, it is not the same for everyone, but you will certainly get the point. I pray also, that may be in some small way it may encourage someone reading and looking for help, any help.
Marriage. Two lives blessed and living as one. One in the Lord and one flesh. Little is said, however, when things start to go wrong. It is hardly even acknowledged publicly that it even happens, let alone caring, godly shepherding to help and support in such a situation.
The reality is that it does happen and happens more and more and not only are two lives shattered but invariably one, maybe two of those lives lose fellowship with their local Church and with the Lord.
“They fell down and there was none to help.” Psalm 107 v 12.
But what if there was first-hand pastoral help available? Godly, caring non-judgemental people to pray, listen, talk, advise, support and love you through those difficult times?
It could be a different story for many.
I am testimony to that and hope to spur on these pastoral carers and friends to take up the challenge and step forward to help.
“Be not far from me, for trouble is near, for there is none to help.”Psalm 22 v 11
It may also be that by reading this, it may challenge all believers to look at these shattered lives with new, loving, non-judgemental eyes and build up instead of staring down on their brothers and sisters in Christ.
“Reproach has broken my heart and I am full of heaviness, I looked for someone to take pity but there was none; and for comforters, but I found none.” Psalm 69 v 20
These verses convey some of the desperation, the complete shock that is invariably felt by at least one of a couple when separation is immanent. There are two words that do not appear in the contemplations of a Christian couple on marriage. Separation and divorce. Amen, you might say, and it is ‘amen’. But it still happens.
Up until this point, these words still do not appear in your mind. It will work out, you believe. We are believers in the Lord, you just need to talk and pray about it. This is even if you know something is not right – there are many to whom a partner comes in one day and delivers the line ‘I don’t love you anymore, I’m seeing someone else; it’s not you, it’s me; I don’t want to be married anymore.’
Let me tell you this does happen (if you can put aside any pre-
conceptions and prejudice for a moment and lovingly listen).
Divorce, for those unhappily in the know, is like the dying or death of a loved one. The difference is that sympathy and support can be in much shorter supply.
It is like being hit by a truck, you are in shock and disbelief – numb.
But the rub is, who do you turn to?
You are ashamed and confused, embarrassed – this doesn’t happen. But where do you get help?
The double rub is, either or both of the couple may initially act as if
nothing has happened – and you would have to use your ‘spider sense’ to even notice. I know of a couple who after being told one of the above lines in the morning, dutifully turned up in the afternoon to play the organ for a service. How sad is that?
This separate diary isn’t another book about divorce.
It is the actual diary of a divorce.
I have physically tossed aside books …sad again that there is no genuine insight at all
There are plenty of books around giving doctrinal advice about the ‘fors’ and ‘against’ of divorce and others with mostly second-hand anecdotal thoughts or happenings about a divorce or divorcees. I have physically tossed aside books I have read that have offered to give insight and a little comfort in a separation/divorced situation, sad again that there is no genuine insight at all.
This has made me think hard about why I’m publicly offering my
personal experience of a divorce and will someone, somewhere, toss this aside, desperate for help but finding none? In my reflections, I believe the Lord laid on me the reality of the One who has suffered more than we can imagine.
Divorce, for those unhappily in the know, is like the dying or death of a loved one. The difference is that sympathy and support can be in much shorter supply.
This free bonus section offers a reflective download on the stages of grief and provides additional support resources for those experiencing or helping others through separation and/or divorce.
The book focuses on the personal experience of divorce from a Christian perspective, highlighting the emotional trauma, the need for pastoral support, and maintaining faith through difficult times.
A SHORT STUDY IN THE SUFFERING OF OUR LORD
Book of John, Chapter 12
Bethany. The place where a feast of joy is being given in His honour. The place where resurrection has already happened is also the place where Jesus is anointed in advance of his death. He knew the significance of Mary’s humble action even if those around did not. From here on in we see the isolation suffered by the Lord, just when, humanly speaking, he needed them the most. Judas protested at the wrong thing and tried to
give it credence by saying the cost of the precious ointment could be given to the poor.
“You will always have the poor among you but you will not always have me.”
He must have looked around, pained, frustrated. Look at my face guys, I am trying to tell you what is going on; listen to what I am trying to tell you, I’m going to die, but no one understands. You are throwing me a party and all I want to do is be here, in the house of my friends, just spend some quality time. If you don’t know what is going on, I do, let me have this moment with you. But they didn’t understand.
It was turning into a farce.
The remainder of this reflection can be downloaded for free, here: